I Understand Agent-Speak

After many years explaining offer-to-purchase documents I have learned quite a bit of legalese. At the same time I have learned to understand and translate what is often called agent-speak. This is a language full of obfuscations, oxymorons and innuendos. As your first lesson, let's examine a few estate agent adds found on the internet. I will attempt to put some of the terms into plain English for you.

  • Low maintenance garden - it means it is completely paved over.
  • Walk to shops - jump over your back wall and you are in their parking lot.
  • Classic - very old.
  • Colonial or traditional - very, very old.
  • Modern - not so old.
  • Great starter home - it will end up finishing you.
  • Renovator's delight - an absolute money pit.
  • Full of character - no room is painted the same.
  • Courtyard - very small back garden.
  • Quirky - all walls are at different angles.
  • Adorable - may be painted pink.
  • Cosy - small.
  • Snug - very, very small.
  • Study or second bedroom - has a large closet with no windows.
  • Cottage potential - an unused Wendy house (possibly an old domestic quarters).
  • Home office potential - a larger unused Wendy house.
  • Must see - because pictures do it a bit too much justice.
  • Charming - classic and adorable and cosy (see above).
  • Sought after neighbourhood - sought after by the drug squad.
  • Breathtaking views - of a large motorway.
  • Motivated seller, bring offers - they couldn't give it away.
  • Sun splashed or sun drenched - no curtains.
  • Fabulous investment opportunity - maybe BitCoins are a better bet for you.
  • Recently renovated - kitchen painted.
  • Needs TLC - you better have just won the lottery.
  • Calling all builders - to come and demolish the place.
  • Bring your decorator - to assist the builders.
  • Diamond in the rough - bring your builder and your decorator and some dynamite.

Well I hope you have enjoyed your first lesson in agent-speak. This is just the beginning of a fantastic journey. Soon you will want to better understand lawyers, and doctors, and even politicians. My father once told me I could never become a politician - as I only had one face.